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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26414458">How Do You Grieve Something that Never Existed?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/pitycomestoolate/pseuds/pitycomestoolate'>pitycomestoolate</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Critical Role (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/M, Fjord and Jester Wedding, Future Fic, Requited Unrequited Love, background beauyasha</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 12:42:02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,195</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26414458</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/pitycomestoolate/pseuds/pitycomestoolate</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“Caleb couldn’t recall one thing about the wedding, other than the moment he saw Jester in her wedding dress, his brain stopped functioning. She looked perfect.” If only it was him.</p><p>(light episode 109 spoilers) Fjord and Jester are getting married, but Jester asks Caleb for one more waltz. It's an angsty one.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>41</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>How Do You Grieve Something that Never Existed?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jester was happy. Other than the rain from this morning that might get her dress wet when she walked down the aisle, she had no worries. Everything else was straight out her books. Why were tears trickling from her eyes? It’s just all a bit overwhelming, she thought. </p><p>“Wow, Jessie. You look beautiful.” Beau entered the room in her Best Man attire, a well-fitted silver suit with turquoise detailing. Reaching in for a hug before realizing her makeup might not be set, Beau settled for an awkward shoulder punch. She stood there, admiring her friend for a moment before remembering what she came here for. </p><p>Reaching into her pant pocket Beau said, “I got you something your something borrowed and blue. Well you’re blue already, so I wasn’t sure if that counted, but anyway it’s my first scarf from the Cobalt Soul.”</p><p>Jester looked down at the simple scarf Beau had presented her, and her eyes filled with tears all over again. “Beau, you didn’t have to give me this.” <br/>
“Hey, it’s your wedding day! Save your crying for the altar, alright?” Beau tried to covertly wipe her eyes, as Veth and Yasha entered the room holding way too many coffees. </p><p>“Coffees from Caleb! He got two with extra cream and sugar for Jester, cream for Beau.” They sorted out their drink orders before Beau was called back for Best Man duties. After giving a quick kiss to Yasha, Beau head out the door. </p><p>“God, you two are so cute!” Jester loved seeing Beau and Yasha’s simple gestures of love. And quietly she knew she had that. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>Caleb knew this day was coming; he’s pushed for it to happen. It’s what Jester wanted, and it’s what Caleb deserved. </p><p>Back in reality, Caleb noticed how Fjord looked very handsome in his tuxedo. The black complemented his salt and pepper hair coming in, and there was a nice splash of color from the flower Yasha picked for him he placed gingerly in his breastpocket. </p><p>“How do I look?” Fjord checked himself out in the mirror, “I just want this day to be perfect for Jester.”</p><p>“I’m having trouble taking my eye off you, friend. No doubt Jester will feel the same.” Caleb knew these two were perfect for each other, basically the real-life Oskar and Guinevere. </p><p>“And the whole magic slideshow thing you offered to do, that’s all prepared?”</p><p>Caleb nodded. </p><p>“And Caduceus, you know what you’re doing? Not that I don’t have faith in you as a cleric, but it’s just that…”</p><p>Caduceus cut Fjord off before he spiraled. “I’m ready, Fjord. You should be proud of your journey.”</p><p>Just as Fjord was about to question another thing, Beau entered the room. </p><p>“Beauregard, just in time. Tell Fjord everything is going to be okay.” Caleb gestured at the blathering mess in the beautiful suit. </p><p>Beau went over to him to calm him down. “You love Jester, right?” </p><p>“Of course.” Fjord answered. Caleb’s own response echoed in his head. </p><p>Beau continued, “and she loves you?” </p><p>“Of course.” Fjord answered, as Caleb excused himself from the room. This day was going to be longer than he anticipated. </p><p>Playing with each candle’s flame as he passed, he aimlessly wandered the venue. He thought about summoning Frumpkin, but he knew Fjord was allergic and didn’t want to leave cat hair anywhere. So, he settled for wandering alone.</p><p>“Mr. Caleb? It’s so good to see you!” A figure in a green hooded cloak over their sleek black dress called to him.</p><p>“Oh hello, Calianna. How has time been treating you?”</p><p>“Well I’ve been continuing my journey, helping people where I can, but that’s nothing compared to you guys. You stopped a war and saved the world from the</p><p>Chained Oblivion! I could sense you were something special.”</p><p>Caleb scratched his arm as he managed a weak smile.</p><p>Cali looked down at her feet as the conversation lulled awkwardly, “If you don’t mind me saying, Mr. Caleb, you don’t look very happy.”</p><p>“Why would I not be happy? Two of my closest friends are getting married today.” He could hear how hollow his words rung.</p><p>“I see. Well I can be a friend too, if you need someone to talk to about anything.”</p><p>God, he was being obviously self-centered on what is supposed to be the happiest day of Jester’s life. He had to stop. “Thank you, Calianna. I am fine.”</p><p>Caleb walked away determined not to feel another thing the entire day. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>The rain dried quickly enough that Jester didn’t even have to worry about her dress getting wet, making the day officially perfect. She kept an eye on the window to make sure the sun kept shining for her, and it never wavered. Then all the sudden, it was time.</p><p>“Ready to go, my Sapphire?” Marion, wearing a fitted black dress with subtle sparkles, took her daughter’s hand and lightly stroked it. “I can’t believe how grown up my little baby is. The only reason I can bear to let you go is because I know how much your friends at the altar love you.”</p><p>“Momma, don’t make me cry before I even take a step down the aisle!” The Mighty Nein had truly been there for her through everything, and she loved Fjord. <br/>
When she started down the aisle, she saw all the friends she made in her journey. So many wonderful faces. Calianna, Reani, even Essek, and of course the Traveler were all there for her and Fjord’s day. And at the altar, her family, the Mighty Nein.</p><p>She knew this is how everything was supposed to be. Beau and Yasha, Fjord and Jester, Veth and Yeza, Clay and his grove, and Caleb. She didn’t know Caleb’s happy ending yet. For a while she assumed it was with Astrid, but the love there had been become a wound and left ugly scars. Caleb deserved better than that anyway. There was a time around TravelerCon she thought Caleb and her might’ve had something, but that was just her reading too many fairytales. All those spells and interactions, she put more meaning into them than Caleb intended them to have. She couldn’t even get a dance with him, let alone his love.</p><p>Why is she thinking about this right now? She’s literally walking down to a man she loves, but she can’t help but scan Caleb’s face for any emotion. There was a smile etched on his face, but his eyes betrayed nothing at all. She was finally able to pull her gaze away when she saw Yasha not so subtly mouthing “I love you” to Beau on the opposite side of the altar. I love you. She remembered the first time Fjord told her he loved her, in the middle of battle after she had shielded him from a dangerous looking blow. Maybe he should’ve waited because neither of them could focus on fighting the rest of the time. She loved him too. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p><br/>
Caleb couldn’t recall one thing about the wedding, other than the moment he saw Jester in her wedding dress, his brain stopped functioning. She looked perfect. But he refused to mess this up for her, so he decided now was the time to mentally list all the ways he could improve the academy as its new headmaster. Eventually, Yasha’s voice woke him up from his disassociated state to tell him the ceremony had finished, and it was time for the reception. “At least there will be booze there,” she patted his back.</p><p>She knew about his problem. How could he forget the conversation they had once along ago? It was too late then, and it was too late now. Did they all know? No time to think about that as he remembered he had a task now. To make some memories for Fjord and Jester.</p><p>Sifting powdered jade in his hand, he willed himself to conjure up beautiful illusions of Fjord and Jester. From the jellyfish story Fjord shared with him, to the dance Caleb pushed them into, wonderful moving memories of the newlyweds filled the room as they began to take the floor in their first dance. This is what Jester deserved.</p><p>“Caleb, it’s beautiful.” Yasha looked in amazement as careful woven images twirled by their heads. “You are a good person. You deserve good things too, you know.”</p><p>“Thank you for believing that, Yasha. But a lifetime of good deeds couldn’t change what I am.”</p><p>All she did was nod and wave over a couple drinks.</p><p>Yasha stayed with Caleb for a while, passing time with various comments on whatever shenanigans the MN were up to. Caleb didn’t know how to thank her for understanding him, but he reasoned she would probably knew he was grateful. So he just let her sit with him, until Jester came in like a whirlwind.</p><p>“Yasha! Cay-leb! I haven’t seen you two all night! I’ve mostly been on the dance floor, as you guys know I’m pretty good at dancing. Also Yasha, Beau said she wants you—wink, wink—because she doesn’t know where her shoes went. She’s very drunk.”Yasha gave Caleb a look then walked away to find Beau.</p><p>“Hey Caleb, I wanted to thank you for the super cool images and stuff. You’ve always been really good at magic, and hey I said you should be a party planner, clearly I was onto something! But seriously Caleb, it meant a lot to me.” Jester shied away from Caleb’s eyes.</p><p>“Well Miss Lavorre, or Mrs. Stone I should now say, it’s nothing really. The least I could do.”</p><p>Jester’s face scrunched. “Mrs. Stone sounds so weird. I’m still just Jester.” She allowed herself to not smile for a few moments. “Will you please dance with me Caleb? It’s my wedding, so it’d be pretty rude not to give the bride what she wants…”</p><p>“Oh, I don’t know about that. I’m pretty drunk.”</p><p>“You said that last time we dance, and it was still wonderful.”</p><p>Last time. Had they really only danced that one time? All the times they had almost danced, but only one time he let them. Before he knew what a fool Jester Lavorre makes him.</p><p>Even now, he’s become a fool yet again. “Oh one dance can’t hurt.” But the moment he took Jester’s hand and found a spot on the floor, he knew how wrong he was.</p><p>Placing his hand gingerly on her waist, he tapped his finger to the beat before he led her into a gentle waltz. If he just focused on the mechanical motions of it, maybe he could ignore everything else. Like how connected their bodies were, how he could feel her breath on his chest. It all felt so easy in this moment, and he let himself feel for a moment.</p><p>Time passed; he couldn’t be sure how much before Jester spoke. “Why don’t you like to dance with me?”</p><p>Caleb was stunned. How do you tell somebody dancing with them reminds you of everything you don’t deserve? “What do you mean? You’re the best dancer of the Mighty Nein.”</p><p>“I still remember, you know. You dancing with everyone but me. At the dance hall, at Beau and Yasha’s wedding. Even Fjord talks about how great at dancing you are.”</p><p>He had no defense for this. Too focused on punishing himself, never considering what Jester wanted, assuming she’d always prefer to dance with Fjord.</p><p>“I care deeply for you, Jester. I never meant to upset you.” </p><p>“You know, I actually thought you might’ve liked me at one point. How embarrassing to think about.” Jester whispered it so quietly Caleb didn’t know if he was meant to respond.</p><p>“I just want you to be happy, Jester.” Pressing a ghost of a kiss into her hair and squeezing her hand, Caleb whispered back. “I know Fjord makes you happy.”</p><p>“He does.” So much left hanging between Jester and him, unsaid.</p><p>Caleb knew he could never stop loving her, but maybe it would become more bearable with time. For now, he let himself grieve for something that never existed. </p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>She had imagined dancing again with Caleb a lot. Honestly, it’s weird how many opportunities they had, but he never intercepted a signal. She was out on many dance floors basically begging Caleb to join her. How funny it is that the next time they danced was at her own wedding to someone else. She never imagined it like that.</p><p>It didn’t bother her at all to think about how Caleb never wanted to be close to her other than in his polymorph form, but that didn’t count since he’s very dumb as an animal. Animal Caleb is pretty cute though. </p><p>She could feel how tense their dance had gotten, and she never imagined it like that either. For a moment, things felt so easy and right with Caleb, like back in Hupperdook. But even that time ended with him saying another girl’s name. This time ended with her going back to Fjord, her husband.</p><p>She loved Fjord. It’s easier to be with somebody who loves you back, but, for a moment, she let herself grieve for something that never existed.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>It's sad Widojest hour lads. Loving each other, but it actually being too late this time. (I also really like Widofjorester, so you can imagine a happy ending too. I'm debating writing one tbh.)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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